Advice please - husband with Chron's


(UK)

Hi

My husband was diagnosed with Chron's disease over a year and a half ago. He had symptoms for a few years before but things really started to get bad after we were married - in fact on honeymoon. He had surgery last year to remove sections of his bowel and ended up with a temporary ileostomy bag which was reversed in May this year. Throughout it all I tried to be supportive but it was a great shock and fairly traumatic for both of us, but obviously especially him.

After he had the reversal operation he got a new job and started staying out late with new friend most nights of the week. I became quite depressed and lonely, because of the shock of what had happened in our first year of marriage and I felt taken for granted by him.

Eventually he left me and has moved into his parents flat in London and has now buried himself in his work. He says the illness has changed him and he feels it has ruined everything. I have also found out that he has been struck off his specialists lists for never turning up to any appointments after his reversal operation. He is still meeting me once a week but I am finding it very hard to get through to him.

Obviously I love my husband very much but am now feeling lost as to what to do next as I haven't experienced Chron's myself. If anyone has any suggestions or advice I'd be really grateful.

Jenny

Comments for Advice please - husband with Chron's

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I had the surgery, then was diagnosed
by: Newly Diagnosed

For months I was in chronic pain, I left my job. I would experience labour like pain for 3 months in a row with no break longer then 10 min in between. My familly would wonder what was going on. I went to a GI and he sent me for lots of tests but acted like it can wait...July 5th 2011 I began vomitting diahria, literally, I didn't want to die that way, my mom drove me to the hospital and they rushed me into emergency surgery. I had lost 25 pounds by then, was as weak as a rag, gaunt, bones sticking out and all. The surgeon removed a peice of my bowel, 7-9 inches, the week in the hospital was hell, I had to learn how to get out of bed, how to walk, I felt parylized and pain was intense. If I didn't have a son I would have shot myself. Its been one month now, and now I was told it is Chrons. I don;t know what to eat, the surgoen said eat anything (yeah right) Im on anti-biotics. Ironic since last January the anti biotics I took for tooth aches may have caused this, I had vomtted blood and passed it through diahria in January, I think that is what destroyed my intestine. Hard to prove but doesnt matter anyways, I have Chrons now. Your husband is not being fair to you, I've gone through complete hell and came back, I never treated my familly or husband so cold, I havent changed. Im grateful that they all gave me support and understanding, even helping me go to the bathroom sometimes or have a bath, I wouldn't have made it this far without that love and them just being there, he should really consider taking that in mind, you were there for him, you worried about him, you loved him, I hope he stops being so self absorbed and thinks about how this has effected you and his entire familly. He is going to make himself relapse if he takes on too much stress with work, he should relax and look around. He is lucky that he doesn't have to be alone. I hope he realizes that soon.
living with it
by: Pershya

Well I am very sad to hear of your husbands withdrawl. I have had Chrons for thirty years now. The ups and downs have been horrible. I just had a bowel resection of the small intestine a section of my large intestine was also removed with a left ovary and my appendix. My life is forever changed. I feel it hard to accept help from anyone. I want to think I am magically better and I do not people to concern themselves with my recovery. I have been in a deep rut. I am trying to find the goodness of life and to not turn away from the ones I love-- being alone just seems so much easier. I realise this behavour is very selfish. We need more people to speak up about chrons and even with feelings of alienation and lonliness I am trying to involve myself with the small children that are suffering from this terrible disorder. I can't seem to help myself but maybe in turn i will be able to help a child(and maybe your husband)not feel so alone.
my advice
by: Dan henry

jenny,
after years of pain and torture from chrons,it can change a person,its has for me,after even a suicide attempt.

he should ALWAYS go to the dr appts,and never give up.without proper treatment it will only get worse even tough you dont feel it
I speak from experience,and i've lost a marrige as a resuld of my illness,

Most importantly i would suggest than things could always be worse ,and never give up,
tell him that i have lived with it for 40 years now and as long as i have someone by my side who understands ,i will be fine,
and he will as well,
good luck, danhenry@embarqmail.com
my advice
by: Dan henry

jenny,
after years of pain and torture from chrons,it can change a person,its has for me,after even a suicide attempt.

he should ALWAYS go to the dr appts,and never give up.without proper treatment it will only get worse even tough you dont feel it
I speak from experience,and i've lost a marrige as a resuld of my illness,

Most importantly i would suggest than things could always be worse ,and never give up,
tell him that i have lived with it for 40 years now and as long as i have someone by my side who understands ,i will be fine,
and he will as well,
good luck, danhenry@embarqmail.com
Husband with Crohn's
by: JoAnnne

I can tell you that crohn's does make you feel like your life is ruined and you don't want to burden your spouse. I know that is how I feel I have wanted to do leave and live on my own, but I love my husband so much and he cries so hard and tells me that he married me for sickness and health. I have stayed because I love him. But it is very hard for me. I am sure for a man it is even harder, because he is the one that feels he is the one to support his family and he wasn't doing the job so his depression got the best of him and when home were he feels most comfortable. Just talk with him and let him know that you love him and you understand what he is going though, but you can't put your life on hold forever either. See if he wants to start dating again and then start your marriage over again, but if not, then you will have to do what I had to do with my first husband. I put my marriage in God's hands. I put my wedding rings on my headboard of my bed and I prayed daily and God did the rest. Some times it isn't the answer we want but in other cases it has turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened in your life. Be patient and kind but don't keep letting yourself be hurt. And as for as his appointments his body will tell him when he has to see that doctor. I have lived with my crohn's for 9 years.

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